If the Church Hurt You, Let the Church Heal You (Part Two)

By William T "Bill" Faris, MPC"

NOTE: I'm reprinting this from my weekly "Gracelets" email newsletter. If you do not yet receive Gracelets and would like to, simply email me at: Bill@mypastoralcounselor.com
In the meantime, enjoy! ---
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I recently met up with old friends who shared with me their disappointments and hurts regarding their various church experiences. They confessed that they were now "mad at God". One of them told me that they had no immediate plans to seek further church involvement.

Only Option?

It's not that I don't understand my friend's inclination to back away from the church altogether. There are a host of people who have made the choice to stay away from the church rather that to risk further personal, emotional or spiritual injury. But is a church boycott the only option? I think not. In fact, I believe it is important for those who have experienced hurt in the church to find their healing there. The best case scenario for my friends would be for them to find a healthy, life-giving and wholesome connection to the Body of Christ.

If you, or someone you know, has experienced deep hurt in the church, I would like to offer a couple of pointers to help the restoration and recovery process move through the pain to a stronger, healthier, more fruitful place.

* Look at your own contribution to the hurt you have experienced

It is likely that you made at least some contribution to the wounding you have experienced. Personal immaturity, carryover from family issues, personal agendas for recognition, leftover pain from previous church hurts, idealistic expectations, unscriptural notions of church life and other factors may have set you up for the hurt you have known. Debriefing your church hurts with a trusted friend or counselor can help you to uncover some of these "setups". You probably won't see them on your own.

There was a time in my life when my own craving for affirmation and recognition made me blind to the serious brokenness of the leader I was following at the time (he was our church's founding pastor). When his downfall came, I was shocked and scandalized. Looking back, I can see that there were plenty of signs that he was nurturing unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. I had ignored them, however, for my own reasons. While his contribution to my pain was plain enough, I have to also admit that I had set myself up to be hurt. Recognizing our "setups" can help us grow from the painful experiences we undergo.

* Separate church hurt from God hurt.

"If you've been burned, here's what I've learned - the Lord's not the One to blame". These lyrics from CCM pioneer Keith Green point out the fact that we can sometimes confuse the church with the kingdom of God or even God Himself. However, the church is NOT the kingdom and the kingdom is NOT the church. And neither God's kingdom nor His church are Him. Separating these entities is more important than we might think.

God is the Master of the Universe and the Savior of our souls. He is the Perfect Lord of Life and the Head of the Church which stands apart from Him as His bride. Although blessed beyond measure with God's gifts, His graces, and His promises, the church is nevertheless a human institution. It does not exist as the Kingdom of God, but as the stewards of His kingdom. Therefore there will always be failures, shortcomings and even outright abuses within the context of church life (the New Testament epistles are filled with examples and warnings). This is because of the human factor.

I have often said that the greatest people I have every known, the ones who mean the most to me and who inspire me most are Christians. But it is also true that the people who have most hurt, disappointed and offended me are also Christians - church people! This is a sometimes confusing paradox.

I have most profoundly experienced the reality of God's kingdom - His rule, His reign and His manifested presence in His people - in the context of the church. But I have also experienced some of my deepest heartaches in the context of the church as well. It helps to be honest about these things!

It also helps to note that the sense of God's power and presence in a given church or church system is not necessarily God's wholesale endorsement of that church, leader, or church system. Nor can the power and presence of God be assumed to be a divine endorsement of the various methods, doctrines or church organization as such. Recognizing these things can help us avoid our tendency to confuse "church hurt" with "God hurt". .

* Keep it real.

Some of our church hurts are fueled by the more unfortunate aspects of the typical church subculture. For example, a church's efforts to be highly attractive to newcomers can sometimes result in a tendency to emphasize "window dressing" while avoiding or sugarcoating the nitty-gritty issues or needs that lie unaddressed behind the scenes.

A "powerhouse" church culture may wind up ignoring or devaluing some of the more mundane factors which will ultimately determine the emotional and spiritual health of both leaders and congregation. "Touchy-feely" churches, legalistic churches, personality-driven churches and other types of faith communities have their down sides. One way to minimize the downsides of each system is to strive to "keep it real" as believers.

I admire author Larry Crabbe's vision for the church as a "real" environment where tough issues can be worked out in an engaging atmosphere of grace and truth. He writes that "a central task of community is to create a place that is safe enough for the walls to be torn down, safe enough for each of us to own and reveal our brokenness. Only then can the power of connecting do it job. Only then can community be used of God to restore our souls." (Larry Crabbe, The Safest Place on Earth).

Bottom line: The more that a church can be both Spirit-filled and "real", the less it is likely to have painful booby-traps.
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One more installment in this series will be posted soon.

Needed: Sandlot Spirituality

Ever seen the movie "The Sandlot"? The 1993 film is the story of Scotty Smalls and his first summer in suburban L.A., circa 1962. At first, Smalls struggles to fit in to his new neighborhood. But, one day, he joins some local kids in an improvised game of baseball played "sandlot" style. Sandlot ball is a lot different than organized Little League baseball, dominated as it is by grownups, vigilant umpires and regulation uniforms, equipment and fields. Before long, however, Scotty learns that sandlot ball has its own attractions.

Maybe the best thing about sandlot baseball is that the kids play without grownups. They organize themselves, practice whenever they want to or can, and improvise around the challenges that go with playing on an ungroomed, roughshod field. They even figure out their own ways to deal with "the beast" -- a dangerous and fearsome dog as large as a Buick that threatens to gobble up anyone or anything that enters its domain just over the outfield fence.

The first time Scotty plays sandlot ball with his new friends he learns a most important lesson: new players must earn the respect of their teammates. You don't make the team because your parents signed the paperwork and paid the entry fee. You make the team because you figure out how to make your own contribution to the overall group. Scotty figures this out during the very first trial run at playing sandlot ball with the other boys. A mistake and the ridicule that follows causes him to leave the field in shame. But Benny Rodriguez, the best player in the hood, lends his respect and his help to Scotty so that he is able to return to the team and take his own place among his peers.

One of the key points of tension in the film is when the boys' arch-rivals, The Tigers, show up to mock the sandlot players which results in a showdown game at The Tigers manicured field. Legitimacy will be determined by skill, teamwork and commitment and not by who has the nicer surroundings.

Looking back, I could say that my own Christian experience was formed by "sandlot spirituality". Our rag tag band of young believers were decidedly "un-pro" in our look, our method and our organization. Like the "Sandlot" kids, we were left to figure out a good many things about how to follow Jesus, serve His cause, glorify His Father and respond to His Spirit. And, oh, the mistakes we made! But when I think about the things that were formed in me during my "sandlot" days as a Jesus-follower, I would never trade the sheer love of the game I learned for the lure of "church success" as defined by the church establishment.

Frankly, I'm a little concerned about what today's aspiring young church leaders are told about legitimacy in ministry. I'm concerned about the messages -- intentional and unintentional -- that are telegraphed to them about what it takes to be "legit" in ministry, in church planting or in personal spiritual development. It seems to me that some of these "grownups" need to leave the kids alone -- let them make their own mistakes, hone their own instincts and enjoy their own successes -- while offering to mentor them rather than squeeze them into their mold. Having played a few years in the "big leagues" myself, I am looking for a few associations with some young spiritual entrepreneurs who just want to follow Jesus in the everyday places and take their own chances with the gifts, talents and callings they feel inside.

At the end of "The Sandlot" movie, we see the grown up Scotty Smalls in the radio booth where he is an announcer for the LA Dodgers. On the field below, Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez, his childhood friend and mentor, steals home plate in a fantastic move. The quick "thumbs up" Benny flashes at Smalls reminds them both that the bond they forged on the sandlot is a bond that lasts a lifetime.

Here's to sandlot spirituality and the players it produces!

Death By Sermon, Part One

*** Sermons. I got a crate full of 'em -- mostly my own. Some are on tapes (remember them?) and in digital file. I'll give you as many as you want -- free!! Just take your pick. Not that excited? Me either -- as in I don't even want to listen to me! Makes me wonder about the value of all these sermons after all. Do we really know why we sermonize or trust so much in sermons to produce growing Christians? Some thoughts follow...

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If he is like I once was, your pastor probably spends a large amount of time preparing a sermon for delivery each week. It's likely to be high up in the job description: "must be able to 'preach' (that is, to sermonize). Each week he or she must design sermons that are engaging, biblically sound, stimulating, well-illustrated and, hopefully, applicable to the real lives of their audience. To borrow a phrase from a friend, they must somehow pump out a continous stream of "new" (if not necessarily fresh) material.

Maybe this is one reason why good sermon-givers can be well paid. Those who sermonize well may have a lot to do with attracting a bigger audience to the church -- a phenomenon known, in some circles, as "church growth".

For reasons like these, sermons tend to be delivered by pros -- or at least people who are supposed to be pros. Our job is to listen to the pros and then critique them over a ham sandwich after church is over. While listening to the 1/2 hour to hour of "preaching", we aren't supposed to think about ham sandwichs or other lunch meats, or whether the Dodgers will go all the way in the post-season, or a host of other mind-occupying distractions. We are supposed to be listening to "the word" and "the word" is supposed to have impact. This impact is measured differently in various church cultures. A "good" sermon can get people to lift their hand while "every eye is closed and every head bowed". A really good sermon will actually get people to leave their seats and come to the "altar" (i.e. front of the church where the sermonizer is standing) or to go on their knees or to otherwise become available to the "ministry time" that follows the message.

Most of you will never really understand what the sermon-deliverer (usually the pastor) goes through every week once they have left the building. They know that a room full of people just surrendered a whole bunch of their precious weekend time and attention to them. They know that either they were "on" or not-so-on that particular day and that getting people to return and keep returning requires lots of "on" days. I mean, think of what the sermonizer is up against. It is, after all, exceedingly uncommon these days for people to sit still and listen to anyone speak -- especially when the sermon or teaching may require a half hour or more to deliver. Now multiply this week after week over a number of years. Now add in the fact that your intention is to ellicit deep and enduring spiritual and practical responses in your audience. Yikes! It's easy to see why "special music", videos, dramas and other sermon-boosters are put into the mix. It's also easy to see why excellent sermonizers are like rock stars with a rare and dazzling talent.

Excellent or not, the fact is that in most of our evangelical church services the sermon is the centerpiece of the worship service as in: "come for the sermon - stay for the worship". Sermons are centered on the Bible but, even so, a lot of believers don't even bother to bring their Bibles to church. They have often been trained not to do so by the "preachers". In many cases, the pastor or speaker has presumably gone through serious effort to prepare a fine feast for their audience so that their main duty is to sit back, relax, and enjoy the fruits of the sermonizer's labor! This is why many church services are not so much "worship" services as much as they are "sermon delivery systems". The musical worship before the message is often keyed to the sermon and the follow up worship music is meant to extend the emotional and spiritual impact of the spoken message, too. Man, we put a lot of stock in sermonizing! Man, we expect a lot from these messages! So why is their "shelf life" so seemingly short?