Beyond Love - It Takes Respect

"Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage" crooned Frank Sinatra, "The Chairman of the Board".  Well, Mr. Chairman, true enough. But while love may lead a couple to begin a marriage, it is respect that will enable them to sustain it through thick and thin.

So what are some of the things that can engender the all-important commodity of respect between spouses?  One such factor must certainly be the keeping of promises.

Promise Keeper - Promise Breaker

Some years ago, a friend found himself embroiled in a long period of conflict with his wife. "She expects me to be PERFECT", he complained.  A wise advisor issued him a surprising challenge: "I'll give you until sundown to make a list of all the promises you have made to her and then broken".

At first, my friend was stumped.  But, after awhile, his mental logjam broke and by the next day (he asked for an extension!) he had come up with over 100 broken promises - large and small. This simple exercise helped him to reinterpret the breakdown in his relationship. Maybe his wife didn't expect him to be perfect. Maybe she just wanted him to be reliable.

Respect Squared

Another way to encourage respect from your spouse is to show it.  I'll be the first to say that most of us males are magnetically drawn toward those who show us respect.  So, whether you are a husband or a wife, let me ask you: is there anyone on Planet Earth who should deliver a message of respect to your spouse more than you?

Showing respect invites respect to be shown. This has certainly been true of Robin and me. She is one of my heroes and I enjoy communicating my respect for her to her, and to others as well.  I love it when I observe my married children enjoy a mutually respectful relationship with their spouses, too.  My hope is that the respect I have communicated for them - and for their mother - have contributed to the strength of their own partnerships.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Aretha Franklin, "The Queen of Soul" made a fortune singing a song about the desire to feel respect from their partner.  "Find out what it means to me" she urges again and again in that solid gold voice.  Perhaps if we found out a little more about what r-e-s-p-e-c-t means to love and marriage, we would find new vitality in this relationship and in the other important relationships in our life as well.
 

Keys to Healing a Marriage, Part Three

Key #3 - Envision Your Future Marriage Now

When you are driving a car to the store, you "see" two differnt things at the same time. You "see" the road just in front of the car and the myriad other things in your immediate environment. But you also "see" the store you intend to visit. You do this in your mind or imagination. That's why you take the roads you take. You can envison in your mind's eye exactly where you are going even though that destination is not available to your immediate view as you navigate the roads.

Now apply this to marriage. When Robin and I became engaged, I was still in my teens (19 to be exact). I could "see" Robin before me and I knew that she was the woman for me. We were young with our entire adulthood and its many mysteries before us. But we would not remain in that uniquely youthful phase of our lives forever.
Knowing this, we made vows on our wedding day. These vows included language about what we could "see" in our future. Our vows were the things that bound us to it come what may: "for better, or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...until God shall separate us by death..." Those words expressed a vision of life far beyond where we were living it.

When healing a marriage, we must reaffirm the ultimate destination that was first described by the vows we made on our wedding day. That day, before God and our loved ones, we bound ourselves to what someone has described as a "lifelong commitment to an imperfect person". To lose this destination on the map is to throw away the map altogether. Two people who no longer "see" this vision must reclaim and recover that end point if they are to weather life's storms and finish well. If they stop living with the end in mind, the marriage will suffer and perhaps even die.

It's not a matter of whether or not other visions will present themselves to the partners in a marriage. Life will conspire to overturn what we have vowed with tantalizing imaginations of life lived with other partners and other pleasures. There is no doubt that we will miss out on these things if we maintain our foundational commitment to one man, one woman, one lifetime. But as I mentioned in an earlier blog post, that is the very nature of decision making. To make any decision is to slay some of our options so that others may live.

It is no secret that this is what God asks from us in our marriages -- to slay all other options, hold fast to our commitment, and fight to the finish: "forsaking all others, I will keep myself to her, and to her only...". This is why the marital relationship is imbued with so much meaning in Scripture. It is the very vow our God has takin upon Himself. He has bound Himself to our brokeness and imperfection despite our ups and downs: "if we are faithless, He remains faithful". It is also why we need grace (and not just human willpower) to fulfill our vows and arrive at the destination of a life lived faithfully together. It is, you might say, a God-sized commitment.

In healing a suffering marriage, we admit this, ask for help, and recall to heart what we have vowed in the hopes that our partner will do the same.

Keys to Healing a Marriage, Part Two

It may sound counter-intuitive, but I believe many wounded couples simply do not fight often enough or vigorously enough -- for each other, that is! One of the keys to healing a marriage is the ability you will gain to fight FOR your partner instead of fighting them. This means you will become his or her advocate instead of their adversary. Doing so unlocks the marital endorphines necessary to re-energize a depressed or languishing union.

When a man fights for his wife, it often involves increasing her sense of security. A woman who feels secure is a woman who feels loved. "My man is thinking of me today", she says to herself. "He is aware of me and my needs and I matter to him. My man is my champion. He desires me physically, emotionally and spiritually. He does not resent me or consider me to be a burden. He treats me like I am his gift from God". This is what it sounds like inside a woman who is finding more and more security within her husband's love. By contrast, when a woman feels she must compete with work, hobbies or other people for her man's attention, she may display the resulting insecurities by becoming depressed, nagging or otherwise burdened.

When a wife fights for her husband, it involves increasing his sense of esteem. A man who feels esteened is a man who feels loved. "My woman believes in me. She is proud of me and she knows that I am trying hard to succeed", he says within himself. "She desires me physically and trusts that I have her best interests in mind. She is my cheerleader and she treats me as her gift from God". This is what it sounds like inside a man who is finding more and more esteen within his wife's love. By contrast, when a man feels he must compete with unrealistic expectations, other men or even family members for his wife's attention, he may display the resulting deflation by becoming edgy or despondent. He may also seek to hide in work, turn to pornography, or overindulge in hobbies or other distractions.

Fighting for one another, instead of against one another changes the tone of a marriage and lets the healing begin!